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I Want Him To Want Me | Book Review


book cover I want him to want me by sheri mueller

If you could list right now what you've been taught about sexuality in Christian marriage, what would you write?


Did the reality of normal desire discrepancy come up? That there will be seasons when one spouse will have higher desire than the other and this can be normal.


However, in some marriages the wife consistently has a higher sex drive than her husband, and it's something we don't talk about a lot, or acknowledge as a possibility.


I Want Him to Want Me: How to Respond When Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex by Sherri Mueller helps wives (and those in ministry) explore the emotions, factors and biblical response in marriages where the husband has a lower sex drive.


This may not be you, but maybe it's someone close to you, it might be the case for those you disciple, so it's a valuable topic for our Christian marriages.


I Want Him To Want Me | Book Review

Content



Content

Purpose of the Book

This book is written for a specific reader: the woman who longs for physical intimacy and affection from her husband, but feels neglected or ignored by him sexually. Confusion and frustration are often the emotions which result, so the author seeks to help the reader understand how her own mindset factors into developing and growing their relationship. 

 

Table of Contents

PART ONE The Problem: “WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE TO BLAME?”

1 He Won’t Have Sex with Me

2 My Husband Doesn’t Get It

3 I Must Be the Problem

4 The Lies and Assumptions We Believe


PART TWO The Real Culprits

5 He’s Dealing with Physical, Mental, or Neurodiversity Issues

6 He’s Meeting His Needs Elsewhere

7 He Struggles with Insecurities Too

8 He Has Been Victimized

9 His Interests Are with Someone Else

10 He Withholds Sex Intentionally

11 He Doesn’t Live Up to My Expectations


PART THREE Solutions

12 What Didn’t Work Before Surely Won’t Work Again

13 It’s Not Just His Issue


PART FOUR Where We Go from Here

14 Embracing Healthy Sexuality

15 Redefining Intimacy

16 Rewriting Our Stories

17 No Longer Alone


book cover I want him to want me by sheri mueller

Summary

As a result of gender stereotypes, women often expect their husband to be the initiator when it comes to physical intimacy. So when that doesn’t occur a heap of doubt, blame and insecurity follows. Part one explores the shame and doubt wives face about feeling sexual desire, the pattern of attacking him, avoiding, then attacking ourselves, and how the narratives and myths we believe can drift away from the truth of God’s word about us.


Part two outlines a variety of possibilities for why a husband may have low desire for sex; health issues, insecurity, history of trauma, infidelity, and porn. The point is not about facilitating blame or justifying sinful behaviors (in him or us), but rather to help a wife gain understanding of who her husband is and what he may be struggling with, how that impacts his ability to be intimate, and how to set boundaries in situations of sinful behaviors.


After considering factors related to a husband’s lower desire, part three looks at ways to respond. The author provides a list of reflective questions to help the wife consider her own heart, expectations, and willingness, then encourages the challenging conversation with her husband and his possible responses. 


In part four the author points us to a biblical worldview of personhood and sexuality. She helps us broaden our definition of intimacy to relational connection outside the bedroom in friendship, including practical tips. Marriage relationships require effort, especially when you’re fighting for intimacy, so this is also a closing encouragement. 


Throughout the book the author encourages connecting with a trusted Christian counsellor to help wives unpack all the layers and nuance of the situations she may be facing. She doesn’t seek to diagnose or make blanket statements to solve your problems, but provides a well-rounded contribution to the discussion to give insight where there’s hurt, shame, and brokenness.


There’s also a short conclusion at the end, written by the author’s husband for the husbands who may be asked by their wives to read the book. It's gentle and encouraging

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book cover I want him to want me by sheri mueller

My Take

Why is this an important topic?


If you’re a wife who experiences a high sex drive you probably feel very alone and ashamed, especially if your sexual relationship with your husband is lacking and you feel neglected or dissatisfied, unsure of where you can turn for help. This isn’t a topic of common conversation, I’d say a neglected aspect in Christian conversations about marriage, potentially because of gender stereotypes the church has often fed into. 


Consider how many times you’ve been encouraged as a wife to ensure meeting your husband's physical needs or how many quips you’ve heard about the high degree of a man’s sex drive. These are common assumptions in the world and among evangelical Christianity, shaping our view of “normal” sexuality in our marriages and causing distress when our marriages don’t fit stereotypes. 


I grew up in the same way. Our own premarital counselling taught that husbands will want sex more often, presented as an expectation, it’s just the way it is.  If this is how you were taught about sex within marriage, and then your marriage doesn’t shake out to match, there will be a lot of questions and confusion


Facilitating this conversation for Christian marriages is helpful because we need to peel back our beliefs and really where they came from—the movies we watch, music we listen to, or from scripture.


One important aspect of this book is that it’s addressing a biblical perspective of sexual desire and marriage, when intimacy doesn’t fit a culture-driven, worldly definition. Gender stereotypes are everywhere and certainly aren’t helpful when trying to figure out why you feel the way you do or why your marital intimacy is struggling.


book cover I want him to want me by sheri mueller

My Recommendation

Within this topic of conversation, there’s a lot of nuance. I think the author does a good job exploring the factors of low sexual desire in husbands and offering a biblical perspective for wives facing shame and hurt to understand a variety of points affecting their marriage and how they can respond.


This particular book is for Christian wives who are struggling to respond when their husband has a low desire for sex.


This is also a really good resource for anyone involved in marriage counselling, I’d offer it as a must-read.


book cover I want him to want me by sheri mueller

Quick Stats

# of Pages: 201

Level of Difficulty: Easy

My Rating: 5 stars


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*A big thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the ARC and for the opportunity to post an honest review.

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